We never stop growing up, I guess...

I hope the afternoon finds everyone well...

It's almost time for me to leave my kids with the sitter. Not so happy about leaving, either. I have come to realize how much of their lives I have missed, at the same time, what an influence I have been. I never have picked up on that. These kids are amazing. They have each, in their own way, grown to be something magnificant.

I think back to this past week...It's not just them who has grown and changed...it's me too. Some of what used to set me off, just rolls off my back. I have alot more patience for things I never did before...I make more time for them, of course, while I am around. Partly because I know I am headed back to Fayetteville, and not just down the street and will be heading back over tomorrow. I guess alot of my time before was just taken for granted...I have also realized, in knowing these kids, I know four really incredible people.

They are four very different people. All amazing though. Now, don't get me wrong, they have, as we all do, their own little quirks and their "moments".

It all started when I was driving the boys to school this morning. It was a quiet ride. Neither of them are morning folks, so, I have to bite my tongue so I won't get on their nerves too early in the morning. I just want to talk to them...LOL...I could just talk and talk and talk...and learn more and more about their lives and who they are...So, as I drove in the quiet, I just reflected on my past week with them and how much I have enjoyed every moment. There was not one moment when I looked forward for today to come. I don't want to leave them at all!

Well, then I got a phone call this morning from the kids' aunt letting me know their grandmother had passed away. Now my kids' parents are out of the country...Well, I was thinking ever since then...I am not promised another chance to be with these kids. I am not promised another breath.

WOW! I mean, I doubt any of their family thought they were saying goodbye to their grandmother for the last time the last time they saw her or spoke to her over the phone.

Well, I will miss these kids in an absolutely immeasurable way...I know there has been periods of time where I didn't keep in touch like I should have...I am going to try my very best to not let so much of their lives go by without staying in touch...

So, what I have to say...Live your life on your best behavior, as it's the last day, and to those you say a very casual goodbye to, you might want to re-think the casualness in that goodbye...

I love most of you (and I really do mean it...)

Must love kids?

Must love kids. I read this saying over and over in the personals ads all over the internet. Why, is what I want to know...Why must I put a blanket statement out there like, "I love kids..."? That, to me, makes no sense. Sure, I love kids--a ton! Any of you who know me at all, and some of you who don't but have been keeping up with my blog the last several days, can, in all honesty, say I have no problems with kids...

I say just throw it out there that you have kids, or just one, and let anyone who reads your ad know just how important your kids are to you, and let that person who has stumbled on your ad decide if they are willing to pursure someone with kids...They have already started reading the profile, let them finish for heaven's sake...

But, my question is...In writing a personals ad, why do people write that? Kids are nothing more than innocent, smaller people...Right? That's the way I have always treated kids. Sure, they need help making decisions and things of this nature, but, still they are, infact, little people. I feel they respond to adults much better when they are treated that way. I love people, why wouldn't I love kids?

Now, here is the REAL question...So, check this out: I love kids. Does that mean I will love YOUR kids? Not necessarily. I generally like people...Oh, and my heavens...I don't like all people...

I just think this is a STUPID thing that people constantly write in their ads. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I have had single friends with kids place ads, and the first thing out of their mouths was: "They said they liked kids, I don't think they like kids b/c they don't like my kid(s)." WHATEVER!! Maybe, just maybe, it's your kid!!

Just makes no sense to me...does anyone know what I am talking about here??

Sitting here...

Sitting here, tonight...I started to think, once again...An old friend didn't realize I wasn't with Robb anymore...I started saying things that sounded like I was feeling sorry for myself...He made the comment, "oh, you are still hurting. nobody will be able to take the place of Robb for a while..."

I started to ponder this...Am I over Robb? Will anyone ever take his place? I am just wondering...Well, he was very special to me...despite everything, he still is...(I'm ducking, trying to avoid all the tomatoes some of your are throwing my way right now...)

I started to think...was there any one thing I could have done to avoid such a mishap in our relationship? Most likely not...The only thing that could have possibly happened is this: Had I never looked, would have I have ever known anything was going on? I could possibly be living in Lala Land right now. Then again, did I honestly try hard enough to make the relationship work?

UGHHHHHH! The frustration I am feeling right now. I think Satan has found my weak spot and is working overtime on me...I start to feel sorry for myself...I start to cry...I start to doubt myself and my worth. I am basing who I am on a man...I am basing who I am on ONE failed relationship.

I don't know why I had to write this. It does make me feel just a tad bit better...I'm not crying anymore...I am about ready to pull my hair out though. I just want to be over him. I don't want to replace him. I don't want to forget him or the time we had together, as short as it was...

I'm confused...I wish I could go back. I wish I could have done something different...

I thought I knew how to get over him...I think I was wrong. Every guy I go out with just reminds me of how comfy I was with Robb...How there used to be someone I knew. Now, don't get me wrong. There are times, where a guy will do something that Robb would not have ever done, but, that is the thing. I guess nobody is perfect...

There is not one day that goes by that I don't cry...I HATE CRYING! This is that time on this day...

It's just Greenville, NC

It figures...


This morning, in between running the kids, errands, and laundry, I was chatting with Robb. I told him how this morning, driving thru Greenville, for a brief moment, I kind of missed it. Just is weird to have known a place so well, and not really be a part of it anymore, I guess...I also mentioned to him that by the time I leave here, on Wednesday, I will be sick of it...LOL!

I don't really care for small towns. By all accounts, Greenville, NC IS small. True, there is an excellant school here, a great hospital, the school system here is decent, there are cool places to hang out at, and one or two things to occupy your time with...it's still small though...

Here is what I mean...You can't go anywhere and not see someone you know. Not one errand do you run that you don't run into someone you know. This is ok...especially if that is what you are looking for...but, if you are like most people from the south, you can't just walk past someone you know and not say hello. You can't just walk away...you have to stand there and chat for a bit...there is something to be said for making things go by faster, by being able to run to the grocery and not have to go thru this. I'm not complaining, it's just humorous for the most part, that's all.

Well, the "it's a small world" feeling doesn't stop there...LOL! Today, after having an interesting lunch with Lis at a full service restaurant where we had to shout our order across the dining room to the bartender, b/c he, for whatever reason didn't feel compelled to walk over to our table to take our order...THEN...I almost sent our desert sailing across the dining room...LOL...only me...I have never had to cut my desert with a knife before in my life! Lis almost choked lauging at me...ANYWAY, back to my point, didn't mean to ramble...I just thought that part of the experience needed to be told...haha...Anyway, I was telling her of a lunch date I have scheduled for Tuesday. LMAO! I told her the guy's name, and I told her what he does for a living...LOL! After me telling her, she looked almost astonished...She knows this guy...we compared his phone number from my phone to her's--they matched...Guess who it is? It's the guy that was giving me a hard time about going to Bible Study...Robert...He will be the next date...I don't have any planned out other than that one with him, most of my time here is with my kids...She said...it's such a small world...I replied, "no, it's just Greenville, NC"...

How hysterical?

Man I had Forgotten...

Man!

I so had forgotten what a blast these kids are! It is so nice to be someplace where laughter is constant and free-flowing...well, aside from the sporatic outbursts of anger from one sibling to another, which just reminds us, we are all human...

Ashley-A true drama queen, but what a sweetheart, a beautiful one at that...well, the whole family is just gorgeous, she can't help it...whoever said, two beautiful parents can't make beautiful children, well, they are mistaken, I have the proof upstairs sleeping...

Shelby-TOO funny! A child after my own heart...I definately left a mark on this one and it shows...Very catty child. Still just precious though. Laughs constantly at the MOST inopportune times...see any simliarities yet?

Mitch-Dry witted. Handsome. Sports inclined. There is nothing this child doesn't excel in where it comes to sports. Kind shy at first, but, he'll warm up to you...

Matty-Ahhh...my baby. Always the baby. It shows all over the place and he uses it to his advantage. Weird to think he has grown so much. I still see glimpses of him as a baby. I left my mark on this one too. He uses his hands all the time to talk. Nobody else in this family except me does that...LOL! It seems weird to me that he calls me "Carla" instead of "Caaa-wa". I don't like it!

Anyway...yesterday was full of..."Remember when stories..." Mostly between the girls, Matty, and me. Mitch was out doing basketball stuff all day...then last evening in the car, I said "remember when..." I was quickly interrupted by Mitch saying, "I remember alot of stories...haha..." How cute! Matty just listened alot to them...I don't think he remembers that much...I guess it's time to make new memories...

Last night, the boys and I lost each other in the grocery...LOL! We spent forever looking...and Matty accidently pushed a cart out of the way, well, Mitch and I were walking ahead of Matty and deep into a coversation and all we heard was "ugh oh..." We turned to see that Matty had pushed this cart, and as it rolled across the parking lot, we were too far away to even do anything about it, well...it stopped rolling literally 2 inches from this Mercedesj, this was a heart stopper...LMAO! This is typical Summers' stories...

Have a great day...

The coming week...

Hello everyone...

Well, about this week...My number one focus will be my kids--no doubt...not MY kids, but, the children I was a nanny for in college. I am so looking forward to being with them. I haven't spent any significant amount of time with them since BEFORE I went to Birmingham. Which, those of you who know me, or at least know my story, know that it's been a while. It's gonna be so neat to be with them since they have gotten older and getting to know them as teenagers instead of babies...Sure, I've kept up with them, but, as far as to see them on this level will be very cool.

I also want to get caught up on my reading, and reflect on the past week. I like dating...I honestly do...But, I'm torn. Do I really want to continue to power-date? Not quite sure about this. I have a few options...I could try to date multiple people...see who tries hardest, with minimal effort on my part...I could focus on Buck...which I have been advised to do...but, honestly, I think we have reached a certain level...We aren't continuing to get to know each other. We are at a standstill, so to speak...Don't get me wrong, we have fun together...Just with his limited amount of time he can spend with me, I don't think I can continue on the way things have been. I talked to him about a couple of issues I have with him, and I got an "I'm sorry..." I don't know that is good enough for me. I don't know that he can do better though, honestly.


Like I said earlier...I spent some more time with Bill last evening. I loved it. It is time well spent, despite the short amount of time it was...We talked...we each listened. He didn't try anything...Which is nice!

Again...Mae said it best when she said, "he who waits is a damn fool..."

I'm so ready for my kids to get home from school!!!!

Bill, aka Date #1

Oh...Too cute!

I have to admit...I definately wanted to see him again--IT HAPPENED! OH, by the way, my girlfriends have given him a nickname, "Mr. Alabama"...LMAO! Thank you, Nae Nae and Mary Ann...You gals ROCK!

Well, he just came over...we hung out--I love the way he plays with my earring, just little, sweet touches...Ahhh...Nothing special...I got a kiss on the cheek as he was leaving...OH, and the way he did it...It nearly turned me into a puddle of Carla..He grabbed my face, just under the jawline, gently, pulled me close and gave me a kiss on the cheek...ahhh...I guess we are going to hang out again when I get back from playing Mommy (I'm sure I will have some crazy stories about my kids in the next couple of days...

I so can't wait to get back and hang out with Bill again...I am thinking I want to see him again...keep your fingers crossed...

James

Can anyone say BORING?

If I were to look up the word "boring" in the dictionary, I would see James' picture...MAN! Very average looking...very boring...Will end up being a "Ward Cleaver" type--guaranteed. Not my kind of man, I can assure you.

About the highlight of the evening...we were driving to grab some dinner, he said, "You smell delicious, Carla..." LMAO! I just was astonished. I thought I would just DIE! I asked him if he knew what kind of perfume I was wearing or if he recognized the fragrance...He claimed he didn't know...I was wearing Be Delicious by DKNY. Either he's very good with scents, which, I don't take his type to be...or it was just a huge coincidence...

Either way, I was way too happy to get home and be alone. My name will never be "June". I don't fit the part...LMAO!

We'll call him F

This guy, I don't want to mention his name outright. This is the second dude I hung out with on Saturday night...

Two guys, one night? I'm so bad, I know...Not really, but, I'm sure if you are a dude reading this, you are thinking that...who cares...

This dude is SUPER sweet...SUPER cute...and VERY in touch with his sensitive side...I think this is too cute!

He had a different look than anyone I have ever gone out with...he's a little older...very sweet...

I felt kinda bad, I almost laughed in his face when he got emotional over a Lionel Ritchie song (sp??)...we went to this bar that was doing karoke and just had a beer, sat and talked..

NOO! It's not the same bar me and the other dude went to! Come on now...I have done that before...totally uncomfortable...I have gone on more than one date with on the same day and went to the same restaurant...LOL! The waitstaff looked at me like I was crazy...LOL...

Back to "F". I want to get to know him...I think he would definately put me more in touch with my sensitive side...I'm pretty emotional...Just not in the way of sweet, sappy, candy coated...I'm not like an M&M...You know, chocolate is sweet enough...did they really need to go and dip it in a candy shell? Some chics are like that...Not me...I'm nice, just not the kind you would ever label as "sweet"...Gross...ugh...gross! GROSS! Carla, as sweet? Never...Do you know any sweet people who give "eat poo" looks? Nope, I would venture to say not...


That guy was nice...Just made me feel like "super-witch"...I was just very tired...I was just ready to call it a night, go home, and get some rest!

If you are wondering...

About Buck...In case you are wondering...I don't deal with men who can't do what they say they are going to do...

Man! Men who don't do what they say they are going to do SUCK! I mean, if it is as little as saying you are going to call and don't...I, as well as, most other women understand...stuff comes up! You don't always have time to sit on the phone...we all have jobs and lives that interfere with plans and such. But, be an adult and call someone or e-mail them...say something came up...who cares? Right?

This happened twice with him. Once, ok...you can overlook it...if it happens a second time, it's a trend. Some might say...isn't it a little early to call it a "trend"? I say no! I'm not sticking around for it to happen a third time, or fourth...heaven forbid anymore than that!

One other thing that I dealt with yesterday...I was speaking to this one dude on Saturday night in between my two dates...I told him straight up I had just gotten home from one date, and after that, I had another date with another dude...LOL...WHO CARES? I am not committed to anyone person right now...I am not even the one who called them dates...I called it having drinks with a couple of friends...I don't have any strings to any guy...As far as I am concerned, both of these men right now, are just friends...How could it possibly be more? Heck if I know!!!

So, fastforward to last night...I was driving home before Bible study and this guy asks what I am doing...I told him I'm running home before Bible study to change clothes...He said, "whoa, I didn't see that in you..." I'm like..."what?"

He said, that because I had two dates on Saturday night that he didn't think I would ever be one to attend Bible study...LOL! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

Ok...let me go off on another tangent here...Men have a broad spectrum of thinking when it comes to "friends"...First off...If a man mentions the word "friend" he is talking about a "girl". OK? Know that, ladies...Very few times do men utter the word "friend" and be referring to a male friend...It's gonna be a female, you can nearly bank on it...If a guy is talking of a "buddy"...that would be a male friend...KNOW THIS, LADIES!

I asked this guy that was giving me crap about Bible study and two dates on the same night...how is me having drinks with two dudes any different than me going out for drinks with two girlfriends? OR better yet...HIM going out with two different girls, Oh, I'm sorry, two "friends" or even two "buddies"? He said, "ok...point made"...I said, "THANK YOU." I mean, at this point, these two guys I went out with, are no more than friends right now, and should I EVEN consider them any more than aquaintances? Hmmm...let's think about this...I think they fall into the "people I know" category at this point...

These are just some of the reasons men make me sick from time to time...Their code of conduct seems to just ooze of double standards!

Bill-Date Number 1 on Sat night

Well...this guy was too cute!

Tall, fair, and handsome...kinda like tall, dark, and handsome? OMG! This guy seriously turned me into a puddle of Carla over the phone...He has a precious accent--He's from ALABAMA! YES! SCORE!

Wow...honestly, though...I was unsure about going out with him. He seemed quite sweet...I can't really tell you why I was unsure...just was, I guess...

Well, he was all about "coming to pick me up in his pickup..." Don't you just love that? I do.

Well, we went to a couple of hole in the wall bars and had just the best conversations...he kept saying cute things like, "you sure are pretty Miss Carla..." Those of you who know me, you know I don't do well with compliments for some reason...I don't think I'm the prettiest of chics...I know I'm not the ugliest, either..but, I don't think I'm worth all the fuss...

Well, the cutest thing happened...it was Karoke Night at the second place...I made the comment of how it would be too funny if he sang something...His response: "Well, Miss Carla, if it is going to make you laugh...I'll do it..." Needless to say, he went up, got the book, then filled out the little paper, and before I knew it, he was up there singing some Garth Brooks song...HOW CUTE! He can sing, too!

Well, the night, I feel, went well...We'll see...we are supposed to go out again...

Changing directions...

LOL...Nae Nae has agreed that I should just start writing about my dates on my blog...that should be slightly entertaining to say the least...LOL!

Each entry will have a "name"...Just be careful when reading...hopefully I won't go out with too many common named guys...LMAO!

Thanks Danae...Love ya girl!

Talk about timing!

Wow!

I have been seeing Buck for a while now...I have a blast with him...I just want to get some of your thoughts on this...If you care to share, that is...

A while back, I decided I am just gonna sit back, not force anything and see what happens with this one...I wasn't expecting much...I mean, he's incredibly hot! I'm not. I know, I'm not the ugliest duck in the basket, but, it's all relative, I guess...I don't want to get into an argument on what I look like with any of you...ANYWAY! So, back to the point of this posting...

I don't want to get caught up into another "Andy" situation...You know, us not being on the same page, and me getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar, kind of not knowing my hand shouldn't be there kind of thing...Let me catch some of you up on the Andy thing...we were not on the same page when we started seeing each other again...I didn't think we were that serious, I kept on dating others...He thought we were alot more serious, he dropped by the house one night, and someone else's truck was there...You know what hit the fan after that...He has a TEMPER! Whoa!

I don't want a repeat with Buck. I would seriously consider only dating him, too...He's that cool of a guy...After Robb and I split, I know the next relationship I get into, has to go slow...I have a hard time keeping things in low gear, too, for whatever reason...Buck's circumstances, if I want to be with him, insists that things go slow...they cannot logistically go fast with him...

Well, my real question is...is HE seeing anyone else. I honestly, don't have that "gut" feeling he is...but, I think I should make sure...That way I can be sure I don't need to keep seeing others...Tracking now?

Well, fastforward to last night...we were hanging out...and HE brought it up! He asked, and stated it's probably none of his business, but, he asked if I was seeing anyone else. I responded with a "no." Then I threw the question back at him, and he said "no". His concern is with his hectic schedule he doesn't want me to feel neglected. He says, he is in no way implying that I come across as needy, and he thinks it's too cool that I do my own thing...He stated he loves spending time with me and getting to know me...He just wants to make sure that I feel like I am being taken care of...How sweet!

For some reason, I have always come across, I believe, as some high-maintenance, needy chic...Not this time...not sure why...

Any thoughts?

Love most of you!

Mae said EVERYTHING best...

"Too many men, too little time..." Mae West

Man! She had a way with words, didn't she? I have to say...I think I'm definately a Mae West type. I can't help it! I honestly think there are worse ways to be, too...

I have been called many things...A social butterfly, a Philistine (sp?) woman...Umm...Self-centered...I think it's all a result from an unending search for something that could quite possibly be non-existant.

Lately, I am thinking that this line I quoted this time, is just perfect. All of her quotes seem to ring true to me lately though. If I could take a snip from this guy, a spoonful of that one, an ounce of this one, and 3/4's of that other one, I might just have the "perfect" man...That's not gonna happen, so now what?

I am thinking though...I just need to pick one, and just see where it goes...The one I am thinking, might be the best one for me right now. What's the worst that can happen? Another six months of my life wasted on something that won't, in the end, work? Whatever I need to do right now, I need to do it slowly. This dude, between his obligations to his kid, his job, his business on the side, I can't possibly rush into anything...YES! Believe it or not, there is time left over for me...LOL...Just enough...

I mean, here is what I am running into lately...Late 20-somethings that are mostly "separated" or just divorced, and they want to take time to screw around with anything that walks, which means, I'm screaming "NEXT!" or men who are older with much older kids that don't want anymore...or they are fixed...I need kids, if God will allow it...which means, I don't need to waste my time on these dudes...right?

Why couldn't Robb and I just have worked out?? I know, WAY too many issues...LMAO! It would have been cool though...Sometimes, lately, I catch myself thinking...You are so not over him...Then I ask myself...Why are you pushing yourself to get over him so quickly? I think that is where all the unsettled feelings are coming from...

Heck if I know...

FINALLY!!!

Carla is back...Finally...No more of her being all bottled up...Thanks, Liz for pointing this out to me, but, I already felt it...Just couldn't put my finger on it.

So, as you read in my previous post, Robb and I are over. He's gone. He has gotten his things out of my house, and returnd my things. So...Now it's on...Now I can let the whole damn world know...Or, anyone who reads this, at least...

Don't get me wrong...there were good times...good memories...alot of shattered hopes and dreams...I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on him. I will never forget our first conversation and how that all played out...I will never forget so many things, the good and the bad...

So...Let's start from the beginning...It was a whirlwind type of thing...I fell hard and fast for him...I suppose he did for me too...It went downhill just as fast. Just as fast as my nosiness got in the way, or my woman's intuition, or something whispered in my ear...Yeah, I found something...Something that would put into motion our demise as a couple. Oh, yeah...I found it all...I found things in probably the most dishonest way that I could...But, when I did, I first thought, well, I will make connections between "that" site and porn...men can't do without porn, right? Right. This thing became an addiction...all I was seeing was porn, porn, porn...All over the place...then the personals sites, then the messages, then the conversations...This just about killed me...Of course I had a huge trust issue. Who the heck wouldn't? Nobody that I can think of...I just don't know...I have never felt so constricted though. NEVER in my life!

I couldn't talk about it with him. I knew what would happen...He would have probably tried to do something terrible to me. Besides, it's not like he was going to admit to one thing...No need to keep harping on it...in this case, I was just biding my time, I would be rid of him soon enough...and finally, that time is here...

Here is what hurts most. It's not that Robb and I are over. It's that I am 31 and still single. I don't like that too much. Yes, I am sure I have some issues, heck, maybe I have alot??? Some friends and I, who are all single, talk about this alot. We talk about how we can just be floating on cloud 9 for the longest, then all of a sudden, we hit rock bottom. I have had a couple of bad days since we have broken up, but, trust me, it's not him, it's the fact that at the end of it all, another relationship didn't work out.

Here is what I wanted most. I wanted my life back. I wanted my house back. I wanted it all back exactly way it was before. I wanted the old Carla back. I wanted the Carla that had no shame. Oh, she's back. She's single. She is just going to do whatever the heck it is she wants to do...

Now, for all you yahoos out there, know I'm a Nancy Drew type. I will pick up on your crap, I will figure things out...It may take me a day, a week, a year, but, I WILL find out...Don't hide things. I know I feel like somewhat of a hypocrite here, because, yes, I did hold back from my ex, but, I had good reason. I was protecting things. I don't care in that case...

I just had to get these things off my chest...