Why?

Why do I have so many questions about the opposite sex? No, before you read further and form an opinion about this blog before finishing it, I am NOT about to man bash here...Just, that I have questions...Also, in a sense, I have obvious things to point out...that's all...

I don't understand WHY I am so frustrated with men in general. First, there is the guy I seriously dig, and I feel like we just dance around the truth. I like him, I am convinced he likes me. Friends even are convinced we like each other. Why can't we just get it out there and see what happens. I am a pretty strong-willed person, but, if I am not 100% sure of someone's feelings, I will hold off on making the first move.

Next, I come to the point of WHY do people, not just men in general, use "I'll call you later" as a farewell when ending a phone call? I don't give a rip if someone calls or not! Or even wants to. Trust me, I have PLENTY of people to talk to on the phone, and EVEN MORE to talk about! I don't need some fool telling me that he/she will call me later, just to never call. I have found a couple of guys lately who use that. One I have had the opportunity to bring it up to him. He openly admitted using it as his "getting off the phone phrase". I told him to not say that to me anymore. Don't say it on your "good intentions" just to sound good to someone. It only pisses them off. I don't sit around and wait for the call, necessarily, but, I do remember A WEEK LATER when he/she calls me, "hey...this person said they were calling last week..." and this happens all the time, PLEASE PEOPLE! (My bringing this up to this ONE PARTICULAR person, has changed his actions, and he bends over backwards to do what I want him to do, when I want him to do it...and is SOOOO sexy doing it, too...LMAO! Now, if I could just get the perfect opportunity to confront the other crazies about this same thing...)

Then you have these people who can't lie for anything,yet they continue to do so...the whole, "hugh, hmmm" sound they make before answering, 'in your face' questions, that I just simply love to ask...The biggest confusion here, is of myself. LOL...about 90% of the time, when I ask these questions, I know the answer, I know he is gonna lie. Sure as sugar, I get the whole "hugh, hmmm...blah blah" answer. Lies. This one is starting to be slightly amusing. I guess he feels I have no clue. Occassionally, I will outright say, "you are so full of shit"...(sorry for the language)...He never responds back to that. The question here: Why do I continue to ask questions? Maybe for a slight bit of amusement, I guess...

I just am using all these questions I have about men as a tool to weed some of them out, I guess. I guess if it was really something, my questions would be answered, or there just would be no questions to start with. Which, to never have any questions is just an insane thought.

Ahhh...I'm confused.

Different kind of peace...

I have been thinking the past few days...Something someone said a while back that kinda hurt me...nothing about me, just about someone that used to be a friend. Made some comments about their childhood. I am here to say...Nobody's is perfect. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose a perfect path in life...not with our friends, our circumstances, family, jobs, etc.

Mine wasn't perfect. Yeah, surprise, surprise. I so did not have the perfect childhood. Yes, I had some advantages. Yet, I was left at some disadvantages, as well.

First off, I was an only child. There has always been a void present. There is a closeness I just haven't filled. I do have two half sisters, they are great, but, we aren't that close. I try, just so many differences, we just always end up annoyed with each other. For whatever reason, there is always a level of jealousy present. I do have three wonderful, wonderful girlfriends, who, I am convinced are the best sisters I could have been given. I think the fact I am an only child, I am drawn nearer to people quicker than alot of other people. If someone is cool to me, I don't just like them...I LOVE them! I get attached easily. I talk quickly (in every area of my life--haha)...I think this is all a result of me being an only child. Can't be sure...

Then comes me as an adult daughter. I have been raised to be independant. So, I have turned into this independant woman. I have turned into someone that doesn't take anything from anyone, most of the time. I took this view to my family this time. I walked out of my parents house this past weekend, the last words Mother said was..."if you leave, you will never be welcome here again..." I don't know what to make of it. I haven't heard from her since. I turned away, and shut the door. That seriously broke my heart. She did say some things, and in my mind, crossed some lines. Made some irrational comments. Threatened suicide. I am done with those types of words. If she wants to say them, she must find someone else to say them to. One of my very best friends committed suicide. Now, Mother threatened this several times while I was growing up, I didn't do anything. Suicide, to me, was something that just did not happen. Not in my world. It's the sin that cannot be forgiven. That hurts. Growing up, I did nothing. She did nothing. As I was driving back, I made the decision, if she EVER threatens that to me again, she WILL be talking to a professional shortly after.

It broke my heart that I turned and walked away. I can't believe where circumstance has thrown me...What if I turn my head forever? I just don't know if or when I will be able to face her again. There is a voice in me giving me peace though. Like, I am comletely at peace almost a week after all this happened. I know it seems I am having issues, no, not really...Just had to get this out there...I feel like I have made the correct decision..

I am really learning lately, it's mostly about protecting our hearts, at all costs, as much as we can...

Sadness is playing on my heart over other issues...I don't feel like writing about those though...

Friendship...

The past twelve hours or so I have been pondering all of my feelings for a certain three I have written about on numerous occassions. Let me start by saying, these three best friends, they have to my favorite group of best friends. I know you are probably thinking, how many different best friends can one have? Well, I have the four best friends I grew up with. I have the one from college, and the three I so dearly love now...Each group carries different meanings, as they each came about in very different times in my life. I still keep in contact with each of these people, and see them all quite a bit.

My best friends who live here, well, they are great. Right now though, I feel overjoyed for one, my heart breaks as I see one of their hearts aching right now, and the other, I just want to protect.

I'm so happy for her. She has finally met the AMAZING man who treats her like the princess she is. It's all over her! She looks amazing! She mentioned last night that our friendship is unique in that we don't see each other everyday, some days we go without talking, yet, we just pick back up and we are good with that...It was so good to get the biggest hug from her last night...

My heart breaks for another. I could see the emotions change all over her face immediately. It's like, I know how she feels, I have felt it before. I wish I could take away her pain. I don't like to see people hurting. I can't stand it. I just wish it was me that was in that state of hurt. She is going to have to be the one getting herself over this one though.

Oh, and the mother comes out in me when it concerns another. There was just a little, yet significant bit of information and I felt like I needed to be the one to share this with her. It's hard to be graceful sometimes. I have had to do it on occassion. Grace is not something that is easy to muster up sometimes. Let's call it grace under fire. I know, that sounds a little dramatic, but, when it comes to affairs of the heart, IT IS DRAMATIC. I just find myself wanting to protect and guard her. No, she does not necessarily need an avenger, it's an assumed role for me. Alot of people don't see it, but, she really does remind me alot of me. LOL! A younger, better me. Use this quote by Mae West to describe it, "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted..." I don't want her to ever drift though...She's almost perfect the way she is.

All in all...I don't know if anyone can follow all that I am writing here...These are just thoughts I have about 3 of my most dear friends, I can't even get them down the way I want. I guess what I am saying, simply put, it's amazing how your heart can be minipulated (for lack of a better word) by feelings you have for your friends. I would do anything for these people. I would give anything to always be able to see the one as happy as she is right now, I would do anything to take the pain away from the one in pain at this moment...I would do anything to protect the other from the hurt she could possibly end up feeling (I'm sure she will be strong though...)

Love most of you...

Peace...

You know, there is something to be said for a feeling of peace...I love it. I am such an all or nothing type of person, very in your face attitude, kind of out there, when I want something, I want it yesterday...Umm...Not a person that gets a sense of "peace" alot. I think I am just running a million miles an hour in my thoughts and such, that I don't allow myself much time for this sense of peace...

There ARE, however, those people that are in my life that once they enter in, they stay. I don't let them get too far. These are people who bring me a peace by just being in their presence. I charish these people so much. I don't have to talk constantly around them. They are very re-assuring. They are very loving. Now, I love all of my friends. I appreciate all of them. I am basically a loyal person to those I love, and I love some of those who drive me insane. I ADORE those people I feel peaceful about though. I am very passionate about these people...

I guess I get this sense about them instantly, too. Like, one person, I don't remember my first meeting with her, just that she has always been there. There is not a time in my life she hasn't existed. But, the last two people are people I knew instantly. I have such an incredible repoir with these people and love them dearly. It's a different kind of love, I think though...

I will say this. I will never not be in contact with these people. They are NOT the kind that will just float thru my life and be forgotten about...

I have no idea why I wanted to express this here and now...I just did...I just met my third person. I know I always thank these people for the peace they give me though...

Love some (most) of you!