My blog's name should be changed...

I seriously wish that I could change the name of my blog to: Baby Issue's x 1000.

My better half (and I do mean BETTER half) and I started seeing a fertility specialist in December after hoping we could conceive without assistance from a doctor. Now, before I go any farther, perhaps my thinking is so shallow that I failed to think of, "my husband is leaving for six months in about a month." Now, some of you might think that is completely ridiculous for us to seek assistance at this point-why don't we just wait. Trust me...I'm thinking the same thing. Why did we even start? Why did I even go to the consult? Could it not have waited six months? Nooo...apparently not.

So, I went and spoke with the doc and he walked me through what is going to happen-all the treatments, what we will do and when, etc. He basically is going to try to hijack this thing in order for us to conceive. Well, once my hubby returns, that is. We did go through the first round of clomid, though. BIG MISTAKE. I wish I would have read the side effects of this drug prior to saying "sign me up." Yeah...so, I took this drug on day three of my last period. It's only 5 tiny pills. No big deal. Not until I started getting ready to start my NEXT period. On top of this roller coaster, I'm on it all alone! Hubby's gone for six months :( How much can one girl cry? I think I'm seeking an answer for that question. Literally, alone in my house, in my car, in my nail salon, at the pharmacy counter, in my office, in my boss' office, and in church, I'm learning, tears are ever abundant. Never a shortage lately! UGH!

I want to talk about it, but people either blow me off, don't get it-but try to, or just assume I'm prego. If one more person tells me to not think about it or that I shouldn't feel this way again, I think I'll literally be sick to my stomach!

Oh, and the other side effect is, there is never enough chocolate.

To this, I believe that I'll wrap this post up. Hopefully there will be sunny days ahead :)

Perception

I found this as the definition from an online dictionary for perception:

per·cep·tion (pr-spshn) KEY

NOUN:

The process, act, or faculty of perceiving.
The effect or product of perceiving.
Psychology
Recognition and interpretation of sensory stimuli based chiefly on memory.
The neurological processes by which such recognition and interpretation are effected.

Insight, intuition, or knowledge gained by perceiving.
The capacity for such insight.

I don't like it. To me it is much simpler. It is what people hear when you talk to them. As I mature, I find that you can almost never guarantee what people hear when you speak to them. First, you must consider...Were they listening, or were they just hearing? Then from there, you can better determine which kind of person you are dealing with.

My grandmother brought this to my attention when I was probably about 11 or 12. It is something that has never left my mind entirely. Let me first explain: When I am speaking to someone, I really need to have their full attention. If I feel as if someone I am speaking to is drifting off into the "wild blue yonder", I'll real them back in by asking them straight, "Are you listening?!" Well, who knows what I was even speaking to her about, but I asked her that same question, and her response was astounding to the point it made a huge impact on my life. You see, words almost always plant some sort of seed. She answered in a very matter of fact way, "Carla, I do not listen to you, I only hear you." Wow. At least she was honest, right?

This also proves the point, the apple never falls far from the tree. Even though I am not her daughter, I am her granddaughter, and as Mother reminds me constantly, I should have been a third sibling to her and my Uncle, or just my Uncle's daughter. I really have often wondered if my Uncle and my Mother didn't switch babies early on...That's another blog, another mood.

Over the last month, less than a month, actually, people's perception has rocked friendships and other relationships in my life. (Side note: The "other relationships" I will not discuss in great detail in this blog.) People sit around and are so stubborn they perceive things wrong, and based upon their misperceptions, harbor ideas in their mind. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we can revisit these misperceptions with those folks who did not/could not/would not listen to what it is you were saying. Perhaps they were just merely "hearing."

Now, you have some folks who flat out never hear what it is you have to say. Sometimes this is good. Through relationship building you will come across those who you know are always hearing you. I believe they want to listen, but they get bored and go into "hear mode." Bless their hearts, they are real gems, they are.

I don't know, I just know you can never be too certain what people are listening to when you talk, or if they even hear you! You could be talking in a mere whisper and some people will hear a lion roaring. Then on top of people not listening to the words you are saying, not asking questions about what they don't understand, they come to God-awful conclusions...This is the kicker: They then repeat what it is you have said to them...Ahhh...this just makes me cringe!

Jigsaw Puzzles, aka relationships

I have recently started to ponder motives of even those I most dearly treasure. Myself included. Yes, I said it: I do treasure myself. I'm not even going to blog about that we should all love ourselves second to God.

In recent weeks, I have questioned a decision I made, and more than that, the motives of some people I dearly love. When I stop to drill down, it goes further and further. Motives twist and turn so rapidly, I can't really even keep up with everything. I feel as if I need a timeline to keep it all straight

Change...

Change, I feel is a natural thing. Most of the time it is something we don't even realized until it has already occured. We do control, however, where we allow our experiences to wonder to. Change many times is good. Most beneficial are changes that come through experiences.

My heart breaks every time I think about my sister. She is not even a shadow of who she used to be. Her drug abuse has changed her personality to the point she's not the same person.

I'm just her sister. Half-sister at that. I cannot even imagine what it does to her children and grandchildren as they have basically watched their once vibrant mother turn into someone who is unrecognizable.

What to do what to do...I feel like I should always fix problems as they occur. I can't do anything about this. The damage, I fear, is done.

Thought Soup

Well, as most of you know, I have the attention span of a thumb nail. Seriously. I discovered this long after most of you did. Useful information to have on hand, too.

Well, this morning started out just ridiculous. My mind was obviously not right when I got ticked off at church and realized it's Baby Dedication Day. Wow. Well, of course, I couldn't sit at the front as normal, so I had to sit on a different side about half way back. Bummer.

I honestly think it's Satan jumping around the church saying, "hey Cal, look at me pssst: over here"..."Hey Carla...I'm on this side now!"

Then, as I was sitting there, I realized where I was. I was right where Chris and I used to sit. Also at church we recognized Veteran's Day. Again, bummer. I really try my hardest to NOT cry in public. My mind easily drifted...

I so miss Chris. I think that if there is one person in the world I miss outside of my grandparents, it would be him. I feel so horrible for his family, they are the ones who suffer to this day over his passing.

I just wanted to write something about him tonight...I just hope that he realized he was a wonderful friend to me while he was here. I still can hear his voice, his accent, and those stupid faces he would make at me.

Also, I would like to say thank you to any veterans who have served in the military for what we as Americans treasure most: FREEDOM.

Patterns of behavior...

People should be more careful in making sure they aren't too predictable. But isn't everyone once you get to know them, develop a relationship and move forward? What I have become accustomed to very well is seeing shifts in patterns of behavior.

Yes, this has to do with my beloved hubby. He's not around right now and I flip because I've noticed a

The hard days...

I am really having it rough today. I mean, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I get to talk to my husband several times a day, at least. Sometimes I feel selfish for getting so upset. I know there are women who only wish they could communicate with their husbands this much. Not only that, at least he's safe and alive. I know that sounds WAY out there, but, true.

In so many ways, I'm lucky. My husband is safe. I get to talk to him. This time he's only gone for a month. But, I love him. I am married to him, and I MISS HIM! God has been so good to us. I keep thanking God everyday for my marriage and the relationship Lin and I have.

I still get sad though. I still have rough days. Just like his last six month deployment, Sundays are turning out to be one of the harder days. Not sure why. Sundays are days I go to church to worship God. Lin has been very accepting of that and joins me each Sunday he is home. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love the fact that I married a Christian. I definately see where being "equally yoked" in terms of religion is one of the most important parts of a marriage. When your religion and your belief system is in essence your foundation, how could it possibly ever work differently? Wednesday was the hardest day though so far. That was the first day that I went to church without him. I haven't made it on a Sunday, but, I'm sure when that time comes, it will be hard then too! I'll be ok.

Everyone asks me if I'm ok. I know they are asking out of a caring nature. I just want to scream "NO! I'm not!" I am honestly not ok. I miss my husband so much. I have these fits of crying. I feel extremely lonely. For the first time in my life, I decline the offer to be amongst large crowds. All I want to do is just be with my husband.

I so can't wait til he is home with me...

Anyway, I just wanted to write just a bit...